"lord knows i've been trying"

"winter (10/10/10)"

i'm begging the night to dissolve itself
this season i'm begging for a change
for questions to implode
for 1 + 1 to no longer = 2

i'm bigger than the bitches i barter with
i throw cigarettes at tourists but
i'm always alone in baking cold
watching for a sign to pray to, i go grasping for a center

so, take me out somewhere
where swimming isn't allowed
return your poisoned promises back to their origins
i've been talking, but i've been closing my eyes

as i write hymns for the season i long for
more inarticulate intricacies to sow the ground
lover you're gone, or lover you're loud
but i'll be here forever, and i'll remember every word

"i should probably apologize"

to deny the urge
 for a shit or a sandwich
instead to go out fucking, and fuck something instead
to grope at futility, and know it's the only thing

cramming my ears with haunting
sending clipped flowers to strangers
i wrinkle and i wash and i watch and i wade
and i never know my way

i'm going to take you away from yourself
i'm going to show you bigger than your issues
plant a seed, but if it rots
you're fucking typical, and ill

no matter how i mutter the sanity won't creep
no matter how many unfulfilled former brides
i come in contact with
i'll still be safe and sighing

To first understand the second poem, here are some Will Oldham lyrics:


"kid of harith"
O will I be faithfull to you
And never to separate, now you have found me
Or will I, regardless, be true to how you
Think that I am and know that I should be

I watch things painted on public walls, now
But I see other things as well, behind
But right fuck in front of my spirit is how
The real road's laid out in a line

I see it lit up, headlights and lightening
While your eyes are fixed on the dark of the car
I no longer cry, I don't find it frightening
But wound up and bound up, so near where you are

For how can it be, to be so much with you
When there are those that totally laugh at me
I pray so often that some fluid will pass through
While I slowly strengthen my vocabulary

It isn't an urge, it is more like a duty
To begin to explore again things of the world
To resaturate skin with injections of beauty
And to mess with, undress with some jewel

And I think you will not notice, do you
As I am only wind and weather, only to you


I had just bought a copy of Palace's Arise, therefore. It's probably my favorite thing Oldham has done. I'm aware I'm in the vast minority in here. I was reading lyrics, and here are more, from "disorder"


 To see in me a promise of what I could give
And I to see in her a reason to live
Which was past just a symbol of woman and luck
That I would never be lacking for something to fuck

And one to fuck over when things would decide
That it was once again time to go for a ride
We felt we must seize the weather, and never the whim
To be led by the other and not the whithin 

So, obviously to me is the influence, esp. in the first stanza. I started it on a bus and finished it on an escalator in a light rail station. Maybe it would've been different if I had written it in other circumstances but it's the best thing I've written in a while.
The other poem.. it's a winter poem. # 3 in fact. That is all.

yesterday, i went out to her gravesite

“static/silk”

and we should throw static at silk

sniffling our way underground

as if we should die of shock

if our spirit were willing to do what we asked it to

the wood pile piled high with aggresion

light as air but ready to burst

at any moment we will

shrug off our desires and discover new burdens

this is the way we wish we could confront our deities

like we could warm up to the sun, and eat it

the literal truth is much less articulate

like rubbing a new wound in old milk

if I tried harder would it get me any further?

I’m afraid there might be some things I’m too small to compete with

I’ve counted each minute of desperation

I’ve found  answers but they only precede new questions

This is likely going to be the opening piece in my next chapbook.  It's from March '08, I think. It fits well with my current mood.

School is in and I'm procrastinating on homework. My computer keeps doing things I didn't ask it to. I'm complaining a lot. I'm frustrated with a lot of thing, but if I got my way I probably wouldn't be happy then either. Life, goddamn you for making me live. Occasionally I miss being able to do nothing but drink. Then, I remember that didn't really work either. I watch my friends. I pray a lot. And I hope. Oh, god do I hope.

5% troof/95% bullshit

"troof"

picking up quarters from my bedroom floor
only to keep my mind occupied, and away from it's stray
i need to keep away from the fact that i'm falling in love with you
i'm at the entrance to a minefield
if i don't keep my tinfoil up, i'm bound to explode

i'd never say these words to your face
i know the cost and it's fucking high
but, you're beautiful, and i want to touch you
almost as much as i want to breathe
sideways, i'm sideways, i'm retreating back inside

i watch the rain wash
your car prints from my driveway
i take another sip of coffee at 2 am
i've been doing this so long, i don't know how i'd come out
even if i knew it were safe

so, i wait for the sky to open, for a heavenly chorus of angels wielding bells
i've been waiting an eternity, i can wait another
please remember to dress warm, and to drive slowly
i'll whisper these words as i send my love
off into the night and i'll pray that it reaches your heart


Post title says all I'm going to tell you. I'm sorry about the lack of updates. I haven't been writing much and blogging seems so self indulgent. I swear to god I'll write a life update by the end of this weekend.