"Why would I wanna die?"

 Here are two new poems that I'm still unsure of. The first was inspired by this: http://classiclit.about.com/library/bl-etexts/alowell/bl-alowell-patterns.htm  
 

The second poem, Joanna is a character that has shown up infrequently.. I think she's been prominently featured in two other poems and mentioned in one other. This might be her last appearance which makes me sad.

“patterns # 2 (amy lowell looking over my shoulder)”

come summer i will stay indoors, i will

pace the living room and irritate the cat

i will take new lovers and

be frustrated by the heat until

evening comes and cools

my apartment for a few hours

if i should stray outdoors

it will be for brief journeys

 to acquire necessary essentials

whomever i’m sleeping with will lay naked in my bed

she will fuss with her hair, i will

simply sit and watch her move

if fall should ever return,

 i will revel in new arrogance, i will

take no new lovers, i will take

my independence out of the pawnshop i

will forget about fear i

will even leave the house occasionally

but now, summer is coming

i lay awake dreading its return

my stomach is unsettled and my beard is unkempt
but i will remember each kiss

like the first kiss

in my imagination, where

i live, i am never alone

“j@40”

see joanna at 40:

all of her friends are gone

her husband is doing

the mid-life macarena

couple pounds of cocaine and

a half dozen waitresses, by now

maybe if she were interesting

she’d be able to survive

jo chews the skin around her fingernails

and whispers lullabies to herself

in and out of quiet

she sits with her modern housewife decor

and doesn’t think of anything

the things she dreamt of

in her teens and twenties

have all come to pass

turns out her prayers were hollow

even the brightest hope

learns how to fray

even the dullest bulbs

give off a little light

joanna’s life

has reached its crescendo

this is where she will stay

until she expires

it’s so sad, the things that go uncelebrated

little victories become forgotten because of larger fires

even just  a few years of happiness

is a brittle dream to most of us

traumas be come unsettling and lives fall back apart

quicker than you can remember the catalyst

if you catch someone shaking, stay with them

provide a little warmth for as long as you’re able

"But our silence was a concern.."

This is brand new. I'm very fond of it. It's in my usual disjointed, verses seemingly barely connected style. The verses are of course very much connected, but per usual, only I know how. If you can guess where the title came from, you win a prize. Really, it shouldn't be that hard..

“damned damned damned”

a shot of heartache hit me like the sun

it broke up the monotony

 i had been happy for a while

it reminded me to shake my fist at the sky

to get mad at nothing

because that’s all that matters

i make jokes behind your back

because you’re no longer around,

but your presence remains

if i missed you as much as i want to miss you

i wouldn’t be writing, i’d be crippled on the floor

i wept for your benefit, not my own

i hope for new accidents

for things to suddenly get exciting again

that small moment

 before the cracks start to appear

is the only moment i want to live in

even still, that moment might not exist

you never think about

how fragile finite things are

even after you’ve seen a few things broken

but those memories recede, just

long enough for you to hurt yourself again

but maybe if beauty didn’t end in tragedy, it wouldn’t be any fun