"and i know its got nothing to do with 'deserves it' "

  Here is a poem, more of my drug addled bullshit. Here's the thing. The only way I can justify using destructive drugs to myself is if I work.

So I write. Sometimes I get something good, sometimes lots of good. Most often its mediocre nonsense and fragments that are at best promising.

But if I get high, I write. I don't give any special attention to whatever I'm on. I maintain that I can do what I do in any state of mind.

Anyhow. Here's a poem with weird structure. It's about a girl.

"the queen of heartbreak"

the queen of heartbreak don't mean it

some things are just hard to avoid

while she could fall in love with anyone

only questionable people fall for her

"do i seem arbitrary"?

just i can't handle boredom

i don't like standing still

or popular opinions

or common choices

(2)

I'm not trying to be difficult

i just turned out that way

i grew up confused

then one day voices started talking to me

so i started listening

they don't advise or threaten 

mostly they just make me laugh

most guys have a bullshit sense of humor

they think i'm laughing at them 

my tits can only do so much

i make men feel small

or i freak them out in other ways

i'm too much for anyone

and i'm suspicious of everyone 

(3)

the queen of heartbreak is

a nervous february suffering

through a presumptive spring

she's the whole world trying to happen

before anything is ready

and i'm never ready

if i can't be prepared at all times

why should i be at any time?

the best things in life take you by surprise

true shock is rare 

even heartbreak, you see her coming

if i delight in how she dances 

i accept the inevitable cost

i do so with knowledge

it might finish me off this time

(4)

i should be quiet 

nah, fuck it 

smash the fuckin patriarchy 

i wish more women were loud 

I am a menace 

i know when i am going to hurt him 

then i promise myself i won't

i can't handle familiarity

i wish i would stay by myself

shared history, quickly, a common language 

i remind myself that he could hurt me

but it's hard to see it 

before they drop it in

do i need  the comfort of emotion & threat?

 if i stay at home i will stay high

i will talk to myself and the voices 

but if I go out 

i will inflict myself

Scripture/prince is god

"We can dance if we want to We can leave your friends behind 'Cause your friends don't dance And if they don't dance Well they're no friends of mine"

This is a love poem about no one in particular. I'm in love with no one.

I've only been involved with one gril since the gril in 2019. I've been seeing her on and off for like a year. When I first started hanging out with her a dear old friend warned me not to fall in love.

The girl in question just told me the same thing this past February: "ag! I'm no one to fall in love with. " So I've kind of held my heart in reserve for her, even though I know it's probably useless.

"the safety dance (sad bastard remix)"

if we kiss there will be music playing

there always is

sound breaks confusion

if there's music

there should be dancing

my friends must dance

"the safety dance" is law

maybe we could be balloons

and drive out the shock

with bass drums and electric guitars

if i close my eyes

at anytime, i hear music

but i don't hear what i want to hear most

the sound of your breathing

*********

this next thing I'm only going to post the first verse of. it's unlikely the person the rest of poem is obviously about will ever see this I'm not taking any chances. It was inspired by Prince's Head:

"You know you're good, girl

I think you like to go down
You wouldn't have stopped
But uh, I came on your wedding gown
And you said:
"I must confess
I wanna get undressed and go to bed"
With that I jammed, you fool
You married me instead"

i would apologize

if i came on your party dress

i will not be sorry

when i come on your wedding dress