"and i know its got nothing to do with 'deserves it' "

  Here is a poem, more of my drug addled bullshit. Here's the thing. The only way I can justify using destructive drugs to myself is if I work.

So I write. Sometimes I get something good, sometimes lots of good. Most often its mediocre nonsense and fragments that are at best promising.

But if I get high, I write. I don't give any special attention to whatever I'm on. I maintain that I can do what I do in any state of mind.

Anyhow. Here's a poem with weird structure. It's about a girl.

"the queen of heartbreak"

the queen of heartbreak don't mean it

some things are just hard to avoid

while she could fall in love with anyone

only questionable people fall for her

"do i seem arbitrary"?

just i can't handle boredom

i don't like standing still

or popular opinions

or common choices

(2)

I'm not trying to be difficult

i just turned out that way

i grew up confused

then one day voices started talking to me

so i started listening

they don't advise or threaten 

mostly they just make me laugh

most guys have a bullshit sense of humor

they think i'm laughing at them 

my tits can only do so much

i make men feel small

or i freak them out in other ways

i'm too much for anyone

and i'm suspicious of everyone 

(3)

the queen of heartbreak is

a nervous february suffering

through a presumptive spring

she's the whole world trying to happen

before anything is ready

and i'm never ready

if i can't be prepared at all times

why should i be at any time?

the best things in life take you by surprise

true shock is rare 

even heartbreak, you see her coming

if i delight in how she dances 

i accept the inevitable cost

i do so with knowledge

it might finish me off this time

(4)

i should be quiet 

nah, fuck it 

smash the fuckin patriarchy 

i wish more women were loud 

I am a menace 

i know when i am going to hurt him 

then i promise myself i won't

i can't handle familiarity

i wish i would stay by myself

shared history, quickly, a common language 

i remind myself that he could hurt me

but it's hard to see it 

before they drop it in

do i need  the comfort of emotion & threat?

 if i stay at home i will stay high

i will talk to myself and the voices 

but if I go out 

i will inflict myself